Building Our Capacity for Empathy
Artwork by Daniel Bermejo, age 14
For this PerSpectives article, KidSpirit editors from Haiti, New York, Paraguay, and Pakistan posed questions to these two respected figures who, through their own tragic circumstances, have become spokespeople for anti-violence awareness.
KidSpirit Editor: It is said that violence breeds more violence; why is it so difficult not to hurt others?
Nicole Hockley: There is a saying that “hurt people hurt people.” My understanding is that there are times when the individual trauma any of us has experienced -- and the depth to which we perceive that experience -- can lead to us becoming more protective, or more defensive. As the emotions can become more overwhelming, we might lash out at others, even those we love. I don’t believe most people want to hurt someone else, but sometimes a person might not have the tools to deal with their negative experiences. By teaching and practicing resiliency, especially at early ages, we can learn how to deal with trauma, manage our responses, and break the cycle of violence.
Pardeep Kaleka: Because it is often easier to look out of windows rather than looking in the mirror. We deflect, project, and hurt people will hurt people. There has been a long history of pain inflicted throughout history and much of the violence we see today is a byproduct of the pain from the past. This is why it is important for both truth and reconciliation to be intentional, and truth coming first.
KidSpirit Editor: How do we make sure that violence does not turn into the mundane reality and instead stays shocking despite its commonality?
Nicole Hockley: Unfortunately, violence has become so normalized in many societies that we don’t always recognize how horrible it is. Whether we’re seeing it in the news, in movies and television shows, or shared through social media, violence is prevalent in our “everyday” experience, which can lead a person to believe that it is part of normal life. Sadly, that can make us apathetic to stopping it, or feel hopeless and think there are no solutions. Violence should never be accepted as “normal,” but many people don’t realize that until It happens to them. While I would never wish for anyone to experience violence, I will ask that we always practice compassion, inclusion, acceptance, and love. Building our capacity for empathy is a powerful way to ensure violence does not become normal, and instead leads us to focus on actions to stop all forms of violent behaviors.
Pardeep Kaleka: Numbing is a coping mechanism for when people feel helpless. Only corrupt leaders benefit from a society that becomes numb. Faith, courage, and community is the key to not make violence mundane and normal. We must have peace in our hearts and in our actions. The danger of evil is that it is always there like an opportunistic shadow. We must all represent the light at all times and be relentlessly optimistic. It is only then that we can beat back this shadow.
KidSpirit Editor: What motivated you to do such inspiring and critical work?
Nicole Hockley: The murder of my six-year-old son changed my perspective on gun violence in the United States. The more I learned about what happened at Sandy Hook Elementary School, the more I realized the tragedy could have been prevented. That’s why I work every day to teach others that gun violence is preventable -- and give them the tools to prevent it. I want all young people to feel and be safe in their schools, homes, and communities. I want to ensure no other parent experiences the loss of a child or family member to gun violence. I do this to honor the legacy of my son who was killed, and to protect the life of my son that survived, and all other young people who deserve a safer future.
Pardeep Kaleka: Faith and gratitude. As long as we have breathe in our bodies, we must continue in creating a sanctuary here on earth. God has given us all of the ingredients to achieve peace and harmony, and now the good people of the earth must exercise our own will to make that a reality. It remains to be seen if human beings will coexist or tear each other apart. I am just trying to live a life praising God through my works and this is what I encourage you all to do.
KidSpirit Editor: We've been going through a lot here in Haiti, and every day there seems to be more violence. We haven't seen healing in a long time. What do you think healing for a country, or a community, looks like in a violent time like ours? Do you think we can find healing while we still experience violence?
Pardeep Kaleka: As long as you are breathing, as long as there is hope, you can find individual healing. However, communal healing often takes a bit longer because there needs to be progress in policies, government, representation, and infrastructure. You can heal as an individual but you will get tired over time because the system is breaking you down rather than building you up. Education without opportunity has no teeth, and if Haiti's systems are not built to help the masses, then only a few can heal and prosper. We must create healing systems.
KidSpirit Editor: What do you recommend young people do to lessen hate and conflict in the world?
Pardeep Kaleka: Young people must stop the curse of generational trauma. The pain that was inflicted on our ancestors must stop with them. We must heal ourselves first and then help heal those around us, and also heal this planet.
As the co-founder and CEO of the Sandy Hook Promise Foundation, Nicole Hockley works every day to protect children from gun and school violence. Nicole chose to transform unspeakable grief and anguish into action after her youngest son, Dylan, was murdered in his first-grade classroom during the Sandy Hook Elementary School tragedy. Sandy Hook Promise Foundation is a national nonprofit organization dedicated to educating and empowering youth and adults to prevent violence in schools, homes, and communities. Under Nicole’s leadership, the research-driven Know The Signs violence prevention programs were created and are now available to schools at no cost. More than 18.5 million have participated in these life-saving programs in 23,000+ schools and youth organizations nationwide. As a result, countless acts of violence have been averted – including at least 14 planned school attacks – saving precious lives and helping youth get much-needed mental health support. Nicole is a leading voice on school safety and gun violence prevention, rising above the political divide over gun control, focusing instead on helping young people get the help they need. She is a sought-after keynote speaker and commenter, sharing expertise on recognizing the warning signs of someone who may be in crisis or at risk of harming themselves or others, and how to safely intervene. She has presented several TEDx Talks, her opinion editorials have been published by Newsweek, CNN, USA Today, and InStyle, and her commentary has been featured in CNN, MSNBC, Newsy, ABC, CBS, and NBC news coverage, among countless other media outlets. Nicole received an Honorary Doctor of Laws degree from Fairfield University in 2022 and was recognized in 2016 by People magazine as one of 25 Women Changing the World. But her favorite recognition is for being the best Mom she can to her surviving son, Jake. ___________________________________________________________________ Pardeep Kaleka is a hate and violence prevention advisor and Co-Executive Director of Not In Our Town. He is a de-radicalization and trauma psychotherapist, assisting individuals offramp from violent ideologies. Pardeep is a faculty member in the Peace Studies Program at the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee, the author of The Gifts of Our Wounds, and an award-winning columnist with the Milwaukee Independent. In 2012, following the murder of his father in the hate crime killings at the Sikh Temple in Oak Creek, he co-founded Serve2Unite, an organization nationally recognized for bridging school and community groups. As a first-generation immigrant from India, Mr. Kaleka has spent more than 25 years in the public arenas of law enforcement, education, social services, counseling, and assisting hate crime survivors and perpetrators across the United States with recovery. Pardeep is the former executive director of the Interfaith Conference of Greater Milwaukee and has worked on numerous coalition-building efforts across ethnic, racial, and religious differences. With a specialization in understanding the impacts of communal trauma, he has developed policies and practices to help mental health workers, social service practitioners, law enforcement agents, and educators build healthier, safer, more inclusive communities across the U.S. Pardeep understands that genuine healing must happen both internally and externally and that we all must empower one another to communicate, connect, and create a world that is less hateful and divided.