Being intrinsically prone to error and making mistakes is an occupational hazard of being a human, which makes forgiveness a natural and necessary element of society.

Without forgiveness, every relationship would be like a house of sand built on a foundation of straw: futile, endlessly frustrating, and doomed to fail. Forgiveness, on principle, is therefore widely thought of as wholly beneficial and the best choice in almost any situation. Hence, the ability to forgive easily is a widely sought-after trait, perceived to be the ultimate key for liberating your best self from an otherwise miserable life burdened with grudges and perpetual conflict. But the motives and morality of an act of forgiveness are usually more layered and convoluted than they seem. We may forgive in a utilitarian act to enable basic survival, to flatter our ego, or to avoid continued negativity toward the offender—but in any case, forgiveness is rarely as altruistic and beneficial as it appears.

Instead of being an elixir, forgiveness can at times be solely functional. The victim, though reluctant, may be forced to grant forgiveness due to their circumstances or dependence on the wrongdoer. This idea is supported by Julie Juola Exline’s research paper “The Thorny Issue of Forgiveness: A Psychological Perspective,” she writes, “One reason to forgive, then, would be to gain the practical benefits—whether relational or personal—of being freed from the burden of excessive anger.” For example, my grandmother and great-grandmother were polar opposites and disliked each other intensely, but they had to learn to live with each other for all of their lives due to the lack of any other support system. In their house, forgiveness was exchanged in a constantly ongoing, yet never completely successful, process born out of necessity. This demonstrates how we, as an innately selfish species, forgive based on whether it serves our own purposes rather than whether it is morally right or wrong to turn the other cheek to someone’s sins. Nelson Mandela once said, “Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.” Letting go of this resentment is often a self-serving decision rather than an altruistic one. Inner Fokus elaborates on this in “The Selfish Act of Forgiveness”: “Long-held resentment can lead to physical symptoms as well: muscle tension, migraines, high blood pressure, poor concentration, sleep and appetite disturbances, and a suppressed immune system.”

Another example of forgiving selfishly occurs when I’m obligated to smile and make small talk with a person I dislike. No matter how uncomfortable or abhorred, proper social conduct dictates that some relationships must be maintained. Even after you’ve condemned someone to hellfire in your mind, society may necessitate the maintenance of a normal relationship with them. Particularly in a long-term relationship with such a person, there comes a point when convincing yourself to achieve even fabricated forgiveness becomes less painful than leading a double life by maintaining a facade of amiability whilst internally loathing them. In this case, we absolve others for our own peace of mind. Charlie Scaturro explains in his article “Forgiveness as a Selfish Act,” “A big part of forgiveness is about being able to move on with our lives.” Ironically, practicing the allegedly moral virtue of forgiveness with these self-seeking motivations necessitates a sacrifice of personal values, since you forgo some tenets of your belief system in order to create more ease in life. But these tenets are nevertheless forgone, and usually without a second look, because forgiveness enables normalcy, and we as a species dislike change—especially change as drastic and ugly as cutting someone out of your life. Overlooking someone’s transgressions can be bitter, difficult, even resented, but it has become integral in today’s surface-level society.

It is not so when we want to forgive someone, when it is the easy way out of the situation; then, we offer forgiveness for the benefit of both parties involved. For example, it is natural to want to avoid causing a loved one further pain by granting them absolution. The benefit the victim receives by forgiving someone is a sense of self-satisfaction after smoothing over the situation. Contrarily, the aggressor, once forgiven, may feel at peace with themself and be able to grow, learn, and move on, making sure not to repeat their mistakes. This reflects the reasoning behind the theory idealizing forgiveness to be the best route in every situation, because it promotes the idea of second chances and personal growth. This ideology is heavily advocated in most religions as well as health organizations offering therapeutic counsel such as Mayo Clinic in its article “Forgiveness: Letting Go of Grudges and Bitterness.” The theory centers around redemption, offering a hopeful outlook on life, and echoes Leo Tolstoy’s idea: “There is only one time that is important: Now. It is the only time when we have any power.” Subscribing to this ideology allows wrongdoers to release themselves of the guilt they have harbored, make amends to unburden themselves and be able to look to their future rather than dwell on their past.

Yet at the same time, the offender may not treat the forgiveness granted as an opportunity to better themself, but rather as an attractive Band-Aid solution to a problem with deeper, more complicated layers that go unresolved. This makes sense considering humankind’s penchant to value short-term gratification over long-term happiness. This situation is especially prominent in codependent relationships, where one person consistently takes advantage of the other, their caretaker. In these situations, forgiveness often morphs into an enabling dynamic where both parties in the relationship bury their heads in the sand. Annette Roberts discusses the danger of buying into this seemingly ultimate cure in her article “The Problem with Forgiveness and What I Now Do Instead.” She elaborates that excessively easy forgiveness ruins an opportunity for the offender to undergo personal growth and also endangers the victim to future attacks. The glorification of easy forgiveness trivializes significant issues in a relationship, unlike true forgiveness.

After being seriously wronged by someone close to you, true forgiveness is pivotal in the process of picking yourself up and putting the pieces back together—but its genuine form is very difficult to attain. Forgiveness can finally be achieved by seeking and internalizing the lessons learned from a bad situation; this is a doubly important exercise because the knowledge gained gives meaning to the sufferer’s pain. All in all, completely forgetting someone’s offenses can be detrimental (Berkeley’s article “Forgiveness Definition” supports this: “forgiveness does not mean forgetting, nor does it mean condoning or excusing offenses”). Instead, be open to forgiving the wrongdoer when you feel ready, keeping in mind that forgiveness can be a lengthy process that differs from person to person.

In other circumstances, the aggressor may not be deserving of forgiveness if they have intentionally committed an injustice out of malevolence and show no genuine remorse for it. In this case, choosing not to forgive may be the best option, despite society’s constant perpetuation that forgiveness is key to self-actualization. Due to this misconception, many sufferers believe there is something wrong with themselves because they cannot acquit a cruel, remorseless abuser. They do not appreciate the power of anger, which is the crux of their misconceptions. Anger marshals your thoughts and desires and converts them to action; it may be rash, exhausting, and corrosive, but it is effective. The only way to fight oppression and bullying is by harnessing your courage to call out wrongdoers with fury.

However, one may think that denying the offender forgiveness also denies the victim an opportunity to access the benefits of forgiveness, such as the ability to move on from this anger. This is where the distinction between the private (emotional) and public (behavioral) elements of forgiveness, as coined by researchers Roy Baumeister and Julie Juola Exline, becomes important. An unrepentant aggressor should not be publicly forgiven, but the victim should be allowed to decide if they want to privately release feelings of ill-will towards them without letting them know they are forgiven. This avoids the public exoneration of the aggressor, which would only reinforce a pattern of harmful behavior that would endanger the sufferer and others to similar offenses in the future, on a potentially even larger scale as the abuser’s confidence grows in a vicious cycle, unchecked by those affected. This alternative of private forgiveness allows the victim to learn lessons from others’ mistakes and make peace with the situation without pardoning the other person and encouraging such behavior.

Forgiveness still does play a significant part in life, and it is a good force when granted to someone who deserves absolution. But public forgiveness is not the be-all and end-all solution for unburdening yourself, as when it is granted simply out of a fear of change, victims are made vulnerable to being hurt again. Therefore, in some cases, forgiveness should be given privately and with the intention of gaining knowledge. Learning, resolving to do better next time, and then moving on, is an infinitely more permanent and effective solution than forgiving too easily and quickly in a misguided attempt at immediate conflict resolution.

Sources:

https://digitalcommons.pepperdine.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1237&context=drlj

https://tinybuddha.com/blog/the-problem-with-forgiveness-and-what-i-now-do-instead/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/is-psychology-making-us-sick/201409/6-reasons-not-forgive-not-yet

https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/forgiveness/definition#what-is-forgiveness

https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/the_science_of_forgiveness_an_annotated_bibliography

https://positivepsychology.com/psychology-of-forgiveness/

https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692

https://innerfokus.com/blog-forgiveness/

https://medium.com/personal-growth/forgiveness-as-a-selfish-act-a6e67ac84b68